quietplace | un: klapbak

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the dark tower: jake chambers

un: klapbak

(Eddie had debated on whether or not to share this piece of information. But what the natives had said weighed on him heavily, and he felt like if he didn't and something were to happen...

He wasn't so sure he could live with that guilt.)

I asked one of the natives if bad things from our homes could come to this place. They said it was possible.

maybe some of you will think I'm crazy. Or the adults won't believe it. The adults in our town didn't believe anything and they didn't want to pay attention to what was happening. they didn't care about all the missing kids. I don't care if you believe it or not. some stuff exists whether or not people want to believe it does. me and my friends took care of it before and we'll do it again if we have to. we made that promise.

our town had this fucked up evil in it. and im not talking hellfire church-evil stuff either. I'm talking like...fear. real fear. maybe even the thing that made Fear

IT knew what you were afraid of. no, not your 'kind of' fears like thinking spiders are gross. i mean the kind of fears you dont even tell your best bud about. the kind of fears you don't even tell YOURSELF about cause the shame's so bad. IT knew you and IT fed off those fears. i guess it liked how kids tasted best when they died in terror

IT ate them too. im not saying it like sucked out their soul. no. IT would

(Eddie has to stop here. To breathe. To focus. He touches his own arm, closes his eyes, and counts.)

i cant explain how you'll know when you'll see IT
you'll feel
like you have to go towards something real bad, real scary
you'll know you shouldn't but you HAVE to...and maybe you'll be lucky like we were
like i was. and be able to get away when the fear gets bad enough.

IT takes the shape of a clown the most when ITS just existing normally. IT only changes when its hunting. IT can come through pictures or sinks or anything. i dont know what ITs limits even were

sometimes IT called ITself Pennywise the Dancing Clown. IT told me its name was Bob Gray when IT talked to me. And sometimes you could hear that carnival sorta music.Sometimes it'd lure you in with the smell of popcorn. IT sometimes had balloons. A lot of balloons. I don't know. It lived in the sewers and

I want to say we beat IT for good but we didn't. i'm not sure if IT can BE beaten.

I dont know if IT'll ever show up here
but don't trust things to be what they seem. don't.

and maybe realize the monsters you know might come here too. please be careful.

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(It helped. Eddie wasn't good at falling into the things people wanted him to fall into. He never had been. Eddie had only ever been able to be exactly himself, and he wasn't even all that good at that. Sonia Kaspbrak certainly would have looked at Majima and gasped, grabbed Eddie, and strolled him to the other side of the street.

Sure, just because he looked like a thug, but Sonia was blatantly racist and from when Eddie came from, it was 1958 just shortly after a time where America took Japanese citizens and shoved them in their own version of camps. She hated the fact that Eddie even had a black friend (and a girl friend, and Richie Tozier). Lord knows what she'd do if she knew he was talking to a Japanese man. Let alone one that looked like Majima.

It had crossed his mind before, truthfully, but Eddie was young enough that he trusted his gut a lot more than he trusted everything adults had told him. He'd come to the brilliant revelation lately that adults were full of bullshit half the time anyway, and he was doing his best to make his own opinions.

And his opinion of Majima?

Well, Majima was invited to his room to be alone with Eddie.

That said just about everything.

His body was slumped, and the tension in his shoulders was more from the conversation than Majima being near. He wasn't afraid of this man.

Eddie doesn't stay away. He walks over and squats down next to Majima, curled up tight over his own knees, appearing much smaller than he already did on a regular basis. He rested his elbow against a knee and put his chin into his palm, watching Majima with large eyes.)

we did.
georgie was bill's real brother. IT ripped his arm clear off and georgie bled out. he was only six and the town just...figured it was some psycho. and people just
seemed to stop carng? bills parents fucking ignored him practically
and i know it was probably hard for them but jesus christ

i never really saw the cops trying.

we had a curfew but that was it. didn't stop kids from disappearing though. from dying. those are all kids. and those (Eddie points to the Black Spot and the Ironworks.) were incidents from before. bad incidents.

[ Majima looked up from his device.

There was some strange, dark expression on his face – that of someone searching for the words that would describe how fundamentally wrong this story had struck him. In lieu of this, he put out a hand to touch Eddie’s shoulder.

The gesture wasn’t a practiced one; men in his line of work weren’t encouraged to touch strangers unless it was in anger. Better to bloody your fists teaching someone respect than try to comfort anyone, even a child.

But it was there. ]

Dunno what it’s like in the States, but there’s all kindsa vile shit goin’ down when you’re an adult. You get used to hearing about it, too, and if ya pay enough attention, you get to thinkin’ that everything’s tainted. Reporters, cops, politicians… these days, you can even buy off the yakuza.

But if anything like this had happened in Kamurocho, the town would've been up in arms. Headlines screaming for action, parents callin’ committees. Goes without sayin’ that the streets would’ve been swarming with cops.

What you’re describing, though… I can’t belive you fuckin’ made it outta there alive. I can't believe your Bill didn't lose his goddamn mind.

(It was funny for Eddie. Any time he told adults not from Derry, adults from these other worlds, they just....

Seemed to actually react. Not to say that the adults in Derry hadn't. Oh yeah, sure, people were sad. His momma hadn't let him out of the house for weeks. It was straight to school and back home. No ands, ifs, or buts. But none of the adults looked like Majima was looking. Or how any of the other adults he had talked to about this had looked.

Like an adult who wanted to do something about it. Eddie was quieted with awe, feeling that shift of trust press a little deeper. He doesn't freeze up under that hand or push it away. He stares at Majima, his expression open and raw.

Eddie was just a kid, for Christ's sake.

Dealing with this just on their own was hell. Dealing with adults had always been worse. Hope splintered through him because maybe this place, like the station, had okay adults too.)

ive only ever been in derry and in the 50s, your town was your world i guess. i went to bangor sometimes to visit my relatives but the news in derry never seemed to reach that far. and then my mom wouldnt think to mention it.

(Or more specifically, Eddie has begun to wonder about, she had forgotten. Like he had.)

i think in derry it wasnt just everything being tainted. i think the town itself was
i dont know
i think there was something really WRONG.

no one ever screamed for action in derry. people were sad sure. but it never- they never look like you're looking right now.

(He doesn't know how he made it out alive either, and so he can only shrug uselessly. He truthfully wasn't even sane, not with how often he heard his mom's voice in his head, and sometimes even the leper, but those are things he can't just talk about.

As for Bill? He frowns and looks up at Bill's name.)

i think. he tries really hard to not think about it. it's not fair, maybe, but what else can you do?
i think he feels responsible for it
and i think hes afraid
but hes the bravest guy i know and he wants to keep what he has left safe- and thats all of us. his friends. and i think he puts all of that love and anger about georgie into loving and being angry for us instead. bills the bravest person in the universe i know because of that, you know?

No, I think you're right.

Whatever the world's supposed to be like, it ain't that. I'm glad ya had each other. And he had you.

[ Majima settled back on the floor, sitting crosslegged with his elbows braced loosely against his knees. It was an unconscious action, folding himself a little smaller in the way that Eddie himself now seemed smaller. ]

Listen, about what happens if IT ever comes back -- you said the adults in Derry ain't believe you, right? For whatever reason, when it came to actually tryin' to deal with those kids that died, they got leadfooted.

So is there anything that we would be able to do? Like that ritual ya wrote about on that wall. What's that about?

[ Majima could be as stubborn as anyone, sure. But it was Eddie and his friends who had beat IT back before; it was their town that the monster had terrorized. Their peers it had taken.

Thus it was also their advice that needed to be followed in any talk of countermeasures. His job here was to listen. ]

i'm not special like bill.

(Eddie types this very slowly, and for a second, wonders if he should even bother showing it but he does. He was not the smartest of the Losers, the fastest, strongest, bravest. What he was was the tiniest, the quickest to tears, the one who got anxious, and the one who heard his momma's voice in his head because he was fucked up ten ways to next Sunday.

Sometimes he wonders if there was a reason he was the Loser to die in the sewers that second time. Eddie winds up staring at his own name, and it takes him a second to realize that Majima has typed up a new message.

Eddie turns his head away and quickly reads.

Slowly, he shifts to sit facing Majima, legs crossed.)

its weird and crazy to explain but it has to do with the seven of us working together to basically make our beliefs real. i think
maybe
it has to be seven people
i dont know if they have to all be apart of it or what??
but seven feels really important

and that belief stuff isnt some dumb cheesy 'believe in the power of friendship!' it's like. we actually believed silver would hurt IT so silver hurt IT. but not because silver hurts IT, its because we BELIEVED it would. does that makes sense?

(Majima honestly....had his priorities straight.

Eddie knew it was clumsy and that it must be frustrating listening to a kid stumble through an odd situation, but he appreciates Majima's patience with him. He can recognize what it is just by glancing up at Majima every few words just to make sure he hadn't started to irritate or bore the man- but nope. Majima was just listening.)

[ Majima considered this new information for a moment or two. ]

Nah, it does make some kinda crazy sense. If it feeds on fear, then if yer not afraid, you're not givin' it anything to work with.

[ He thought back to when he was younger, when he believed all kinds of whackadoodle things because to a kid, the lines of reality were not so solid, not so absolute. If dinosaurs could be real, then why not dragons? Maybe if you threw your old belongings away, they really would come to resent you.

And there were charms, too. Rituals, things that adults knew didn't do a damn thing, but kids believed fervently could ward off danger and the dark. ]

And I always felt like I was invincible when I was with my brother. Maybe that's part of it, too. Like if it's all about belief, then you're stronger if you're with someone ya really love.

Anyway. That means normal shit like shotguns wouldn't be any good against it, right? Not if ya don't believe it'd work.

[ He shook his head. ]

Dunno how well I'd do against somethin' like that. I haven't felt afraid since before I got here.

[ Which was more of an admission than it might seem. Majima had never considered himself a coward, but he'd respected that sense of danger, realized that it had protected him on more than one occasion. But now it was as though the feeling had been jarred loose, somehow. Deadened. Maybe some other emotions as well, he'd never actually taken inventory. ]

(Sometimes Eddie wondered if this was why he died when they came back to fight IT as adults. If their belief hadn't been as strong. Not all of the Losers had made it out that second round. Eddie nods at Majima, because it sounded as though he understood it.

It fell into the logic of the child who covered their heads with a blanket at night. Or depending on a night light to scare off the monsters. Stupid little traditions that kept the fear at bay. That kept IT at bay.

Something about what Majima says makes his chest feel warm and tight, and Eddie begins to smile. It was the first time, he thinks, that someone really understood the power in the Losers club.)

i think love has a LOT to do with it, yeah. i'd do anything for my friends. when im with my friends, i forget how weak i am or how sick i'm supposed to be. With them, I can literally be a totally different, better person.

It's incredible.

Yeah I dont think so.

(Eddie wonders idly if it was harder for adults to feel afraid if only because they felt like they were no longer allowed.)

IT scared me with two things. one thing was how im afraid of getting sick. like real afraid. the other thing

it was less of a fear and more of something i really hate about myself and something i was really afraid of other people knowing, and stuff i was just afraid of being a truth. it sounds really weird when i say it like that, but what I'm getting at is that IT works against you in really complicated ways. It isnt just ordinary fear. IT knows you better than your best friend probably does.

and thats the worst part I guess.

[ Majima smiled warmly at Eddie -- at the honesty with which he spoke about the people dearest to him. It softened his expression, chased away some of the shadows of fatigue and suffering. But there was sadness right there alongside. ]

Yeah. I know what ya mean.

[ So you're really gonna spend your life waiting for a brother who can't possibly come back to you?

His handler had thought it baffling, that devotion -- excessive, even for sworn brothers. But for all Majima knew, Sagawa and Shimano had taken the oath for political reasons. Omi and Tojo, east and west. Another arrangement to keep the watchful peace.

As he read the last of Eddie's message, he found himself recalling that year in the darkness -- no idea if Taiga was dead or alive. Forgetting what fear felt like, forgetting that there was anything besides the next coming of the firelight. Was despair a kind of fear? ]

What do you believe in now?

[ He asked. It was what seemed to matter the most right now. ]

Your friends from back home, they can't all be with ya right now. So what can you believe in?

(Just about anyone could be trusted if they understood something so fundamental to being a good person. If you didn't care about other people, what was the point in living at all? Eddie would give up everything in the world for his friends. Everything.

And this guy really seemed to get that.

Eddie didn't really need to hear what he was thinking to know that look on his face. But he did feel more secure with this man, more steady. Majima was quickly proving himself to Eddie, and Eddie was starting to wonder if rough looking people weren't better off morally than the polished looking people.

That left him this question though. What did he believe in?)

They're not all here, no. There's seven of us and it's just the three of us for now.

I believe in the ones that are here. And I believe in the friends I've made. I think some of them are really, really special friends already.

I dont really think I want normal friends. I feel like every time I make a real friend, I can feel it fill me up so bad I sometimes wanna cry and maybe sometimes even do. Even if my original friends aren't here, I still believe in what we have. What i feel for people.

i mean it when i say im a lover not a fighter. I guess that's always where I wind up when I'm most afraid and when I feel the strongest

(Eddie types this all carefully, and finally shows it to Majima, his eyes fierce. At least he had his love, he thinks.)

What about you? what do you believe in?

[ Majima's gaze turned faraway, like he was remembering something that had happened a lifetime ago. Maybe two. What did he believe in? In the old days, he would have had plenty of answers -- his Family, maybe. Himself. The idea that even those who had been rejected and cast aside by society could find meaning and belonging in the oaths they'd taken. ]

That's a tough question. Feel like that list used to be a lot longer.

[ He turned to lean up against a blank section of the wall, tilting his head upwards with a soundless sigh. Right now more than anything, his fingers itched for a cigarette. ]

The past couple years, they feel kinda like a fever dream. Like everyone's gone nuts. I think it's 'cause of all the cash pouring into Japan -- no one knows where it came from or when it's gonna end, but they've forgotten it was ever different. And it's changed everybody.

Used to think that that the world made sense. Like there were rules. But now...

[ He seemed to come to some decision. When Majima looked back up at Eddie, his gaze was clear. ]

Duty. Honor. The people I care about.

[ Even now, with all that had happened, there were the things he wouldn't compromise on. Even if no one else felt the same. ]

(There's no rush to an answer. Eddie knows some things aren't so easily answered, after all. Not with how complicated life could be. And Eddie having begun to talk to adults more and more lately had made him realize that life only got more complex as you aged. Adults were more prone to lying and lying made everything tangled up and confusing.

He watches Majima, not looking away even as Majima considers the wall in front of him. Maybe everyone should had their own kinds of walls. It wouldn't be the worst idea, would it?)

What changed? was it just the money?

(Maybe it could have been. What did Eddie know? He didn't pay taxes or worry about paying bills. But Majima's ultimate decision? Eddie smiles.)

I think those are some really good things to care about. I think I care a lot about honesty too. Honesty is the most important thing. I hate when people lie.

you'd like my friend bill. he's got a lot of honor, and a huge sense of duty to his friends. I really admire that about some guys. i do too, but like, i think some people have it in this deeper way, you know?

[ Majima shook his head: no. ]

I never cared about that. But as for what changed... hell, everything.

[ He thought it over for a few moments, trying to figure out how to explain when it seemed like even three years wouldn't be enough time to truly convey what it had been like. ]

There was a real estate deal -- city redevelopment, some shit like that. Doesn't matter. Point is, somehow the most powerful groups in and out of Tokyo ended up knifing each other in the back to snap up one piece of land. Ten million for a vacant lot the size of a one bedroom apartment.

Seeing that complete shitshow, meeting all those crazy bastards... seeing decent people get their lives ruined over a spit of dirt. Yeah, I guess you could say that helped change my mind.

[ His smile was tinged with bitterness, but this faded when he read Eddie's next message. ]

So I should give it to ya straight, huh?

You're right. One of these days, I gotta meet your bro. Bound to run into each other sometime.

(Eddie nods slightly. No, he supposed it was never that simple with anything, was it? Just like how for him, it wasn't so simple that a monster had terrorized him and his friends. That wasn't the only thing that made Derry a shitty place.

Nothing was simple. Nothing.)

I get it. you get these situations where it seems like it's one thing but you realize the one thing hits against all these other things. like dominoes.

for what its worth, im glad your here. It kind of sucks to not have all the people you care about here, but it also can be a fresh kind of start for you, right?

(Everyone had the chance to change, and that was one thing that Eddie clung to. He wanted to change. He wanted to avoid his futures as badly as he wanted his friends to avoid their futures. They needed to reclaim that.

Maybe a lot of being here in this world was about reclaiming themselves.

Eddie nods instantly.)

yeah. especially cause you're a grown up. Ive had grownups lie to me a lot about really serious stuff and it's fucked my head up a lot. i dont want to be lied to anymore.

does anyone really want that? and i know im a kid and that makes adults think i shouldnt know about certain shit, but trust me, i know about a lot of things and you're not gonna upset me or "corrupt" me or whatever adults worry about when being honest with kids.

you will. he lives in this house. he's probably out busy doing stuff but he's around.

[ Majima's response to Eddie's first message was a kind of conflict that could not have been more visible in his expression. Did he even deserve the chance to start over? Was that what he wanted?

After a moment's thought, he replied: ]

I don't know if that's what I want.

[ Then, almost as an afterthought: ]

When I have to be quiet, I can't be myself.

[ How was that for honesty? ]

When you're talkin' about real serious stuff, you mean like bein' sick? Why'd they lie to ya about that?

(Maybe everyone deserved a chance to start over. Of course, ironically, Eddie wasn't so generous with that belief with himself.)

I guess youll have time to decide then what you want. Not the worst thing?

(Eddie smiles a tiny bit at that.)

im the same way. i usually talk a mil a minute believe it or not. my best friend, richie, has it way worse though. he's always crackign jokes and things. i think its been hard for him here.

(That was perfect, really.)

yeah. my mom used to tell me i had all this stuff wrong with me so i was taking all kinds of medicine

i think she was afraid of being alone. she wanted me all to herself and she always tried to make me feel like i was a bad boy for leaving her. like i was cruel or something. then shed always make me think i was going to die from everything or get really hurt. im trying really hard not to be that way anymore but i fall back on it a lot and start thinking im sick with stuff im not really sick with

sometimes i hear her nagging at me and that makes it worse too.

[ team more generous with others than yourself!! Majima smiled. ]

Yeah, I got a taste of that already. That kid's got a mouth on him, even when he ain't actually talkin'.

[ While modern psychological terms were a little outside of Majima's time period, he did recognize some of what Eddie was telling him. Love could be a powerful force, both positively and negatively -- if it became twisted, it could strangle as surely as an actual noose. ]

I think you're right. Some moms, they ain't know how to let go of their kids. Just makes everyone worse off in the end, though. I ain't know anyone whose old lady told 'em they were sick, exactly, but there're plenty of guys whose folks told 'em they weren't worth anything.

Even if they know it ain't true, you look into their eyes and it's like deep down they still believe it.

I think you're stronger and smarter than ya think, though. You're what, not even a teenager yet? But ya already know yourself better than most adults.

yeah. if he's ever being too much of an obnoxious shit, just tell him 'beep-beep' and he'll normally shut the hell up.

(There was a kind of light dancing in Eddie's eyes as he spoke about his best friend. It was nothing short of fondness.

Love could be a cage and love could be abusive. No one ever seemed to want to talk about that kind of thing though. Eddie had met adults who had told him he should be grateful for his mother caring so much.

He wasn't so sure he trusted those people.)

yeah. she was always telling me that too. maybe not so bluntly, but she was always telling me how weak and small and sick i was so it got in my head a lot that i couldn't do anything.

i think she was afraid of me ever being anything more than some useless kid. i think she knew the moment i thought i was worth something, i would know i was worth more than how she was treating me.

(Which might be oversharing, but what part of this conversation hadn't already smudged those lines? In any case, Eddie was saying this more for his benefit than Majima's. He was sounding pretty certain, but this was a daily struggle for him.

His eyes roll up to look at Majima, his mouth quirking to the side in a bit of an odd expression. He still had no idea what to do with people who told him things like that.)

I guess I do. Im mostly trying to change myself.

Do a lot of adults lie to themselves? That kinda seems like something adults are good at doing

[ Eddie really wasn't pulling any punches with his assessment of his mother, that was for sure. It sounded like a stifling environment -- the opposite of the one Majima had come up in, where no one could really be counted to look after him but himself; he'd had to toughen up fast, or he never would have survived.

It was a positive thing, wanting to improve yourself, but -- ]

Well, what if we helped you with that? Changin' yourself, I mean?

[ Eddie's next question was a bit more nuanced. ]

A lot do... but a lot don't. In my line of work, anyway.

When ya live like a normal person, it's easier to give yourself reasons why you gotta do or say something you'd rather not. You got responsibilities, or you just wanna get through the day without gettin' into a huge hassle. Society runs on lies and appearances, anyway, so it's like doing what you gotta to survive.

But it ain't as though there's some big split once ya hit 20 or anything. I figure that if you're old enough to talk, you're about old enough to start lyin' -- even if your reasons start out easier to understand.

At first it's to cover for yourself, maybe a couple other people. Then you're really in for it.

(He couldn't really afford to. He used to, but it always put him back in a mental place where he started letting himself listen to her all over again. Eddie loved his momma, but it was complicated the way most relationships with parents were.

That and it kind of didn't help that he was left pretty messed up in the head from it all.)

Thatd be

nice
I'm trying so it helps when other people help too. I sometimes get caught up in thinking Im still sick like. I dont really have asthma but I sometimes feel like I do when I get real scared but I gotta stop using my inhaler.

(That kind of thing.

There isn't too many times Eddie can recall where he's gotten a lot of honest insight to how adults functioned, so he takes his time reading what Majima has to say about it all.)

I know lots of kids who lie too, yeah. i mean even i have lied plenty. which i guess kind of makes me a
whats the word
hippocrit?

A lot of kids lie so they dont get in trouble. Parents make it easy for kids to want to lie too when they yell at them about damn near everything. Maybe kids grow into adults who think theyre gonna get in trouble every time they do something they think is gonna upset someone else

I guess I do get why adults lie

So it just becomes a cycle sort of thing? You gotta lie to cover your other lies. Jeez. What a mess.

Your inhaler? So it's psychosomatic?

[ Wow, what were the odds. Maybe that was another reason Majima found himself oddly identifying with Eddie. ]

I get what ya mean. But now that I'm thinkin' about it, that's just one reason to lie. There's plenty more. To impress someone, to get something ya want, to get outta trouble, like ya said...

[ Huh. ]

That's probably not real reassuring. But...

I've met people who lie, but who I wouldn't consider dishonest, either. They're more like animals. They don't lie just to dick you over, but to get somethin' they want.

[ Apparently there was a difference? Majima probably wasn't explaining it too well. ]

I'd rather deal with someone like that.

yeah i have an inhaler. (He even digs it out to show Majima.) yeah. i guess. my pharmacist said that i was messed up in the head and that's why i needed it.

Why would you lie to someone to impress them??

(Now that was a new one.)

i dont know if id compare them to animals. animals don't lie. Thats why I trust Teddy so much. But I think I get what you mean when you say it like that.

Whys that? Is it because you understand what they want better or something?

'Cause you're desperate?

Lots of guys lie to impress girls. Or other guys. Never really saw the point, but I guess they want to be liked.

[ Majima shrugged; it was his general opinion that this kind of dissembling was doomed to failure. Either it didn't work, or it did and people liked you for being someone you weren't, really. ]

They're honest with themselves. They might lie sometimes, but you know where ya stand. And you know why they're doing what they do.

It ain't personal.

(Eddie merely shrugs his shoulders. He liked Majima, but he really didn't talk too much about his mental health even with his closest friends, and he's run out of the will to keep going on with it.

He doesn't get the latter part either, so he mostly just squints. He supposes it makes sense to an extent. He had lied about being scared before so Bill would be proud of him. It was probably like that.)

I guess that makes sense. Being honest with yourself can be tricky.

[ Maybe once Eddie had experienced the joys of having multiple people try to kill him, he'd begin to pick favorites. There was such a fine array of types of people who might try and dump your lifeless body into the river! It would really be a shame not to be choosy about which methods they might employ.

Or, you know. Not. ]

Well, then, let's hope ya turn out to be the right kinda adult. One that knows how.

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un: klapbak

cw: that 1950s racism tho. also this got wordy? whoops

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good place to end?