un: klapbak

[clussy]

(Eddie had debated on whether or not to share this piece of information. But what the natives had said weighed on him heavily, and he felt like if he didn't and something were to happen...

He wasn't so sure he could live with that guilt.)

I asked one of the natives if bad things from our homes could come to this place. They said it was possible.

maybe some of you will think I'm crazy. Or the adults won't believe it. The adults in our town didn't believe anything and they didn't want to pay attention to what was happening. they didn't care about all the missing kids. I don't care if you believe it or not. some stuff exists whether or not people want to believe it does. me and my friends took care of it before and we'll do it again if we have to. we made that promise.

our town had this fucked up evil in it. and im not talking hellfire church-evil stuff either. I'm talking like...fear. real fear. maybe even the thing that made Fear

IT knew what you were afraid of. no, not your 'kind of' fears like thinking spiders are gross. i mean the kind of fears you dont even tell your best bud about. the kind of fears you don't even tell YOURSELF about cause the shame's so bad. IT knew you and IT fed off those fears. i guess it liked how kids tasted best when they died in terror

IT ate them too. im not saying it like sucked out their soul. no. IT would

(Eddie has to stop here. To breathe. To focus. He touches his own arm, closes his eyes, and counts.)

i cant explain how you'll know when you'll see IT
you'll feel
like you have to go towards something real bad, real scary
you'll know you shouldn't but you HAVE to...and maybe you'll be lucky like we were
like i was. and be able to get away when the fear gets bad enough.

IT takes the shape of a clown the most when ITS just existing normally. IT only changes when its hunting. IT can come through pictures or sinks or anything. i dont know what ITs limits even were

sometimes IT called ITself Pennywise the Dancing Clown. IT told me its name was Bob Gray when IT talked to me. And sometimes you could hear that carnival sorta music.Sometimes it'd lure you in with the smell of popcorn. IT sometimes had balloons. A lot of balloons. I don't know. It lived in the sewers and

I want to say we beat IT for good but we didn't. i'm not sure if IT can BE beaten.

I dont know if IT'll ever show up here
but don't trust things to be what they seem. don't.

and maybe realize the monsters you know might come here too. please be careful.

Comments

[justbeingknife]

[ Majima's response to Eddie's first message was a kind of conflict that could not have been more visible in his expression. Did he even deserve the chance to start over? Was that what he wanted?

After a moment's thought, he replied: ]

I don't know if that's what I want.

[ Then, almost as an afterthought: ]

When I have to be quiet, I can't be myself.

[ How was that for honesty? ]

When you're talkin' about real serious stuff, you mean like bein' sick? Why'd they lie to ya about that?

[clussy]

(Maybe everyone deserved a chance to start over. Of course, ironically, Eddie wasn't so generous with that belief with himself.)

I guess youll have time to decide then what you want. Not the worst thing?

(Eddie smiles a tiny bit at that.)

im the same way. i usually talk a mil a minute believe it or not. my best friend, richie, has it way worse though. he's always crackign jokes and things. i think its been hard for him here.

(That was perfect, really.)

yeah. my mom used to tell me i had all this stuff wrong with me so i was taking all kinds of medicine

i think she was afraid of being alone. she wanted me all to herself and she always tried to make me feel like i was a bad boy for leaving her. like i was cruel or something. then shed always make me think i was going to die from everything or get really hurt. im trying really hard not to be that way anymore but i fall back on it a lot and start thinking im sick with stuff im not really sick with

sometimes i hear her nagging at me and that makes it worse too.

[justbeingknife]

[ team more generous with others than yourself!! Majima smiled. ]

Yeah, I got a taste of that already. That kid's got a mouth on him, even when he ain't actually talkin'.

[ While modern psychological terms were a little outside of Majima's time period, he did recognize some of what Eddie was telling him. Love could be a powerful force, both positively and negatively -- if it became twisted, it could strangle as surely as an actual noose. ]

I think you're right. Some moms, they ain't know how to let go of their kids. Just makes everyone worse off in the end, though. I ain't know anyone whose old lady told 'em they were sick, exactly, but there're plenty of guys whose folks told 'em they weren't worth anything.

Even if they know it ain't true, you look into their eyes and it's like deep down they still believe it.

I think you're stronger and smarter than ya think, though. You're what, not even a teenager yet? But ya already know yourself better than most adults.

[clussy]

yeah. if he's ever being too much of an obnoxious shit, just tell him 'beep-beep' and he'll normally shut the hell up.

(There was a kind of light dancing in Eddie's eyes as he spoke about his best friend. It was nothing short of fondness.

Love could be a cage and love could be abusive. No one ever seemed to want to talk about that kind of thing though. Eddie had met adults who had told him he should be grateful for his mother caring so much.

He wasn't so sure he trusted those people.)

yeah. she was always telling me that too. maybe not so bluntly, but she was always telling me how weak and small and sick i was so it got in my head a lot that i couldn't do anything.

i think she was afraid of me ever being anything more than some useless kid. i think she knew the moment i thought i was worth something, i would know i was worth more than how she was treating me.

(Which might be oversharing, but what part of this conversation hadn't already smudged those lines? In any case, Eddie was saying this more for his benefit than Majima's. He was sounding pretty certain, but this was a daily struggle for him.

His eyes roll up to look at Majima, his mouth quirking to the side in a bit of an odd expression. He still had no idea what to do with people who told him things like that.)

I guess I do. Im mostly trying to change myself.

Do a lot of adults lie to themselves? That kinda seems like something adults are good at doing

[justbeingknife]

[ Eddie really wasn't pulling any punches with his assessment of his mother, that was for sure. It sounded like a stifling environment -- the opposite of the one Majima had come up in, where no one could really be counted to look after him but himself; he'd had to toughen up fast, or he never would have survived.

It was a positive thing, wanting to improve yourself, but -- ]

Well, what if we helped you with that? Changin' yourself, I mean?

[ Eddie's next question was a bit more nuanced. ]

A lot do... but a lot don't. In my line of work, anyway.

When ya live like a normal person, it's easier to give yourself reasons why you gotta do or say something you'd rather not. You got responsibilities, or you just wanna get through the day without gettin' into a huge hassle. Society runs on lies and appearances, anyway, so it's like doing what you gotta to survive.

But it ain't as though there's some big split once ya hit 20 or anything. I figure that if you're old enough to talk, you're about old enough to start lyin' -- even if your reasons start out easier to understand.

At first it's to cover for yourself, maybe a couple other people. Then you're really in for it.

[clussy]

(He couldn't really afford to. He used to, but it always put him back in a mental place where he started letting himself listen to her all over again. Eddie loved his momma, but it was complicated the way most relationships with parents were.

That and it kind of didn't help that he was left pretty messed up in the head from it all.)

Thatd be

nice
I'm trying so it helps when other people help too. I sometimes get caught up in thinking Im still sick like. I dont really have asthma but I sometimes feel like I do when I get real scared but I gotta stop using my inhaler.

(That kind of thing.

There isn't too many times Eddie can recall where he's gotten a lot of honest insight to how adults functioned, so he takes his time reading what Majima has to say about it all.)

I know lots of kids who lie too, yeah. i mean even i have lied plenty. which i guess kind of makes me a
whats the word
hippocrit?

A lot of kids lie so they dont get in trouble. Parents make it easy for kids to want to lie too when they yell at them about damn near everything. Maybe kids grow into adults who think theyre gonna get in trouble every time they do something they think is gonna upset someone else

I guess I do get why adults lie

So it just becomes a cycle sort of thing? You gotta lie to cover your other lies. Jeez. What a mess.

[justbeingknife]

Your inhaler? So it's psychosomatic?

[ Wow, what were the odds. Maybe that was another reason Majima found himself oddly identifying with Eddie. ]

I get what ya mean. But now that I'm thinkin' about it, that's just one reason to lie. There's plenty more. To impress someone, to get something ya want, to get outta trouble, like ya said...

[ Huh. ]

That's probably not real reassuring. But...

I've met people who lie, but who I wouldn't consider dishonest, either. They're more like animals. They don't lie just to dick you over, but to get somethin' they want.

[ Apparently there was a difference? Majima probably wasn't explaining it too well. ]

I'd rather deal with someone like that.

[clussy]

yeah i have an inhaler. (He even digs it out to show Majima.) yeah. i guess. my pharmacist said that i was messed up in the head and that's why i needed it.

Why would you lie to someone to impress them??

(Now that was a new one.)

i dont know if id compare them to animals. animals don't lie. Thats why I trust Teddy so much. But I think I get what you mean when you say it like that.

Whys that? Is it because you understand what they want better or something?

[justbeingknife]

'Cause you're desperate?

Lots of guys lie to impress girls. Or other guys. Never really saw the point, but I guess they want to be liked.

[ Majima shrugged; it was his general opinion that this kind of dissembling was doomed to failure. Either it didn't work, or it did and people liked you for being someone you weren't, really. ]

They're honest with themselves. They might lie sometimes, but you know where ya stand. And you know why they're doing what they do.

It ain't personal.

[clussy]

(Eddie merely shrugs his shoulders. He liked Majima, but he really didn't talk too much about his mental health even with his closest friends, and he's run out of the will to keep going on with it.

He doesn't get the latter part either, so he mostly just squints. He supposes it makes sense to an extent. He had lied about being scared before so Bill would be proud of him. It was probably like that.)

I guess that makes sense. Being honest with yourself can be tricky.

good place to end?

[justbeingknife]

[ Maybe once Eddie had experienced the joys of having multiple people try to kill him, he'd begin to pick favorites. There was such a fine array of types of people who might try and dump your lifeless body into the river! It would really be a shame not to be choosy about which methods they might employ.

Or, you know. Not. ]

Well, then, let's hope ya turn out to be the right kinda adult. One that knows how.